Back???

I don't know how long this will last, or how frequent it will happen, but I've decided to blog again. If for no other reason than to journal things in our lives. I'll be making changes and updating some things on the blog in the next little while as time allows. So here we go!

On July 25 my MIL passed away after being in the ICU for 2 weeks. She had been sick for quite a while, but not that sick. She really went down hill the last 6 weeks, but still. She'd seen her doc 3 times and there was no definite answers. Once in the ICU, tests were done and they found an abscess in her abdomen 13 cm in diameter. If she didn't have surgery, the infection would take her life. If she did have surgery, she a) may not make it through b) would definitely have a very long slow recovery c) she would likely not recover to what she was pre-downhill slope. Eric opted for the surgery. So 2 days after she went into the ICU she had surgery. 4 days later, they closed the incision. By this point she'd been in ICU for 1 week. Through the next week, there were many ups and downs. It was very emotionally draining. Her good days were so far from what was actually "good" that to call them good days should have been more appropriately called a fraction better than yesterday.

During this time Mandi came in from Virginia. She stayed with Eric and was a help to him. Bret went to the hospital every day during his lunch and many times after work. I joined him a couple of times. On Sunday morning - after 2 weeks - the docs sat Eric and Mandi down to give them the not good details. There was another scan on Mary and they found *another abscess - which would require surgery. During the scan *blood clots were found in all 4 of her extremities and never in 30 years of doing this has the doc seen that nor had he seen as *many blood clots. Since surgery, over a week ago, they haven't been able to get Mary off the *respirator. Her *kidneys were failing and she'd very soon need dialysis. Things looked very grim.

After much thought and consideration, Eric opted to discontinue any and all life saving devises and meds. He and the kids decided it would happen the following morning. On that Sunday a nurse asked Mary if she knew where she was. She nodded yes. He asked her if she knew how sick she was. She nodded yes. Then he asked her if she was afraid to die, she nodded no.

On Monday morning, Eric spent an hour with her before the kids showed up. The respirator and all meds were removed and they waited. She was slightly "with it." Sort of opening her eyes. However, most of the time Bret said he didn't think she knew they were there. But there were brief moments that he said she definitely knew what was going on. Not exactly how you plan these things. When machines are turned off, the patient is supposed to be out of it or in a significant amount of pain. So this was more difficult.

After 5 1/2 hours, her heart beat for the last time and she exhaled her last breath. Finally, she was at ease. Finally she was at peace. But oh the heart ache that was left behind.

I didn't have a great relationship with Mary. I loved her as Bret's mom, as my children's grandmother. So the emotion I felt wasn't necessarily for me, but for my dear husband, our kids, Eric, for Taina's kids - who just a couple of weeks earlier lost their grandpa. And oh, did my husband mourn the loss of his mom. He still does.

Just last night we spent the evening at Big Springs (up the canyon) in remembrance of Grandma Ruth Tuttle's birthday. It's really an excuse for the family to get together. Once in the car on the way home, Bret admitted how odd it felt not having his mom there and knowing she just wasn't at home, ill. And he was right. It was odd seeing Eric alone. It's just 1 more thing to have to get used to.

Grief is a strange duck. It comes up when we least expect it. And I suspect I'll be seeing more of it as the time goes on. My heart continues to ache as I don't know how to best help my Love. I guess there really isn't anything, just be there, support and listen.

That's all for now. I have several topics on my mind that I will hopefully get to in the near future.
Best wishes to all!